This week’s reader question….
I have been married for five years and I love my wife. We are great friends and I still consider myself a lucky guy to be with her. However, there is one thing about her that I find extremely unattractive…her mouth. When she gets upset, she can be lethal with her words. She’s critical and judgmental. She thinks that her way is always the best way, but she won’t just do the task herself. Honestly, she can be kind of a nag sometimes. I often tell her to be careful what she says because she can’t take it back. I love her but I am worried that one day she’s going to say something that causes permanent damage. How do I make her understand that she needs to change?
At the start of a relationship, most people can’t find anything to criticize about their partner. This isn’t because the person is perfect or even hiding their flaws, but rather because they are so enamored by what they do like or have come to love about them that any flaws seem petty or miniscule. However, as the relationship continues to gain mileage, the other person’s shortcomings become more and more noticeable causing some budding frustration or resentment. It’s important to remember that these things that you now find irritating didn’t just appear. They have always existed. The reality is that during the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship it is much easier to overlook those inconvenient irritants because in your mind the positives outweigh the negatives. But then the day of revelation comes and all the things you were able to once overlook become the only things that you can see anymore. If you’re not careful, thoughts of your partner’s failures or weaknesses will consume you and you will spend more time complaining over what you don’t like about them instead of just learning to love them for who they are.
It’s that time of year again and love is in the air. The store aisles are full of red, white, and pink packages, candies, and concoctions; all in preparation for Valentine’s Day. While the history of this holiday is a bit complex, the reality is that for hundreds of years now across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones on February 14. Some people look forward to this day that is set aside to celebrate love, while others feel it’s too commercialized and opt not to participate. If you are a fan of Valentine’s Day, it’s important to remember that while you’re shopping and planning to “Wow” your significant other with a perfectly orchestrated euphoric moment or that one memorable gift, the value of the expression of your love you choose to give someone shouldn’t exceed the actual value of the love you have for them. In other words, your love for someone shouldn’t just be measured by what you do for them on special days, but rather, how you treat them every day. The perfect Valentine’s Day gift will mean very little if it doesn’t reflect a standard of love that is demonstrated year round.
As women, most of the time we don’t notice when we’re nagging because we really think that we’re helping. After all, you genuinely love your mate and you feel like because you love him and you have his best interest at heart that you need to tell him exactly what you don’t like about him, right? You aren’t intentionally trying to hurt his feelings or tear him down. In fact, you honestly believe that your nagging, complaining, and criticism is constructive and edifying. You think that your efforts are gently watering the beautiful relationship God has entrusted you with, when in fact you are really dousing it with poison. You are convinced that your ultimate goal is to change him for the better. As a result, you criticize him regularly in an effort to motivate him to improve. Unfortunately, your faulty communication efforts are causing a wedge between the two of you that will continue to grow wider if you don’t break up with your bad habit.
When asked what is the number one relationship killer is, many partners will answer finances, not knowing that criticism is the real answer. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Your partner’s behavior may be terribly frustrating, but the response you choose give to your partner’s behavior can change the entire tone of your relationship. Think about the last argument that you and your partner were in or the last time he emotionally shut down on you. Did you address the issue or did you attack him? Was your goal to find a solution to a problem or to prove that you were right and he was wrong?
Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” This means that a wise woman understands the power of influence that she wields in creating a happy and healthy home. She is mindful of protecting the investment that she makes in what she is building, rather than sabotaging her efforts with her own destructive words or behaviors. In order to be like this wise woman, you will have to train yourself to respond to conflict in a constructive and healthy way so that you and your partner can reach a mutually beneficial end. Initially, this training will be difficult because it will require you to focus on your own behavior in a situation instead of focusing on his behavior as the problem. Accept the fact that you can’t make him do anything, but embrace the reality that you can control how you respond to what he does. Bridal that tongue, Girlfriend! James 3:6 says, “And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.” Making intentional changes in your responses will eventually create the desired change in your relationship because he will see that your heart’s desire is to build him up and not to tear him down, which will allow him to listen to you without having his guard up. Being successful in this new effort is going to require a serious commitment from you. Spending time in prayer and sharing your grievances with God will also help you as the Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth about the situation. Sometimes things that appear to you to be one thing to you, are really another, and only God can give you that enlightened perspective.
In conclusion, at the end of the day, a little humility goes a long way. Yes, your partner is flawed, but so are YOU! There are no perfect people. Hence, no perfect relationships so when you feel like attacking you partner’s character, intellect, or ability, think about the real issue that needs to be addressed and communicate from a position of love. We all need God’s grace. Likewise, we should all strive to be more gracious to one another. This Valentine’s Day is the perfect day for you to break up with using criticism and insults as a way to try to get what you want from him. I can promise you that you are only building contempt and if you aren’t careful you behavior will very shortly lead you to an unnecessary heartbreak.
#confessionsofaprov31woman #thinkkingdom
E.M. 