Can I Love Him and Still Walk Away?

This week’s reader’s question:

“Hello…I have someone in my life who I would consider toxic. He is always negative, judgmental, and looking for any way to ruin my day and to bring me down. I know the Bible says that love never fails, but I’m feeling like trying to love him is killing me. When is it okay to say enough is enough and still be in the will of God? And if I walk away, does that mean that I no longer love him? I want to do the right thing.”

Unfortunately, your frustration on this issue is more widespread than you can even imagine. You would be shocked by how many abused wives sit next to their husbands in church every Sunday with frayed smiles on their face thinking the same thing, how many daughters dutifully serve their aging parents while secretly resenting them at the same time, or how many women are addicted to their dysfunctional and immature relationships with an old girlfriend just because no one wants to be the first one to say “I think we’ve outgrown each other.”

First of all, let me say that your original question has multiple layers to it and so it can be answered in various ways depending on if you’re single, married, or if this is a platonic friendship. There really isn’t a one size fit all approach to every relationship and it is always a great idea to seek out direction from your pastor or Christian counselor where you can share the specific details of your situation in a confidential environment. With that in mind, my goal in answering your question will not be to tell you what to do in your particular situation, but rather provide you with some godly principles that God has given us to exercise as in all of our relationships as His daughters and as Proverb 31 women for you to consider. I will also share some supporting scriptures with you to help you renew your mind as you prayerfully consider the next steps that you need to take to be healthy and whole.

There are three things that I will briefly address in this post 1) God’s expectations regarding love 2) The believer’s responsibility regarding those expectations 3) How those expectations should depict themselves in unhealthy situations.

1. Yes, you are right. God is love and as His children we are supposed to imitate our Father. However, the type of love that He has called us to walk in may not necessarily be the type that you are exercising in this relationship. Agape love is the unconditional, unmerited, freely-given love of God. It doesn’t act out of desperation…as God is self-sufficient. It doesn’t operate out of a self-seeking or selfish need….as God’s love was best demonstrated when He GAVE His only son Jesus Christ to die in our place for our sins. It doesn’t even need to be returned to be properly functional. God desires us to want to love Him back, but He doesn’t love us so that we can love Him back. He just loves us. The Bible says that while we were sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8). That means that when you were an enemy of God, He loved you best and most.
2. Yes, God has commanded each and every one of his children to walk in love. In fact, the Bible teachers that we can’t claim to love God and we don’t love one another. (1 John 4:20-21) Our love walk is essential to our faith walk. It’s very difficult to convince someone that you serve a loving God if you are bitter and hateful. No Bible scripture that you can provide to them can supersede the evidence of your own life. However, the commandment to love others is not supposed to create bondage for you or to be a smoke screen that you cower behind to hide if you struggle with your own sense of self hate. What most people fail to forget when they feel obligated to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship out of “love” is that God’s commandment to love others actually begins with loving yourself. (Mk 12:31)
3. Now ask yourself a few questions and be honest. You didn’t wake up one morning and this person was suddenly an alien to you. There was a process before you got to the old familiar mental truck stop of “sick and tired.” It would behoove you to the take some time to reflect on that journey as you consider how to proceed. What purpose does this person serve in your life? Why are you making the choice to allow them to distract you from your purpose, detract from your joy, or destroy the precious resources that God has given you like your time, a sound mind, your body, joy, peace, etc.? Where are you going in life and does this person’s actions demonstrate that they love and support you enough to want to see you realize your full potential and all that God has for you? Ask yourself those hard questions and as you do so, be honest if you discover that as much as the person’s behavior may be destructive to you so is the guilt, shame, resentment, desperate need, dependency, pride, or any other ungodly emotion that may be lurking beneath surface as the real motivation for the continuation of the relationship on your part that has been allowing it to happen. How can the two of you walk together unless you are agreed? (Amos 3:3) The bottom line is that when you start to think the best about yourself, you will become more protective about the inner gates of your mind, heart, and spirt. Failing to guard your heart proves to lead you to great danger. (Prov. 4:23) Remember, that God loves you so much that He gave His precious son’s life to die for your sins in your place. He loves you so much that He watches over you day and night; never sleeping and ensuring that no harm comes your way. He is your loving Father and He doesn’t want you living in a situation where you are bound and unable to freely love yourself and others.

 

In conclusion, you can absolutely love someone unconditionally and at the same time create whatever safe and protective distance from their unhealthy behavior you need to be the best you God created you to be. Embrace the liberating truth that some relationships are seasonal and not meant for a lifetime. That means that the relationship was only intended to be in our lives for a specific amount of time for a specific purpose. It is not the will of God for you to be battered physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. If they are unwilling to do the work to be a supportive positive in your life, then you have to know for yourself and your own survival when the season has ended. And when it ends, you have to pray for God to give you the peace to walk away no matter what anyone else thinks. If this is a good relationship that has gone bad and God’s will is to restore it; then He will in His way and in His time through His leading. But if God is leading you to walk away, whether it is for a set time or permanently, the good news for you is that today is the first day of the rest of your life! Live in your truth, Sista girl. Love God….Love you….and never make any apologies for doing so.

 

Keep Moving Forward

#ConfessionsofProv31woman #ThinkKingdom