Battling the Bitterness of Divorce

Last night, I did it again. I enjoyed another mindless experience without repentance…. a reality T.V. marathon. Without question, it was full of drama, drama, and more drama, which was absolutely fine with me because for a few blissful hours of my life, none of the drama was mine.

Now, don’t judge me too harshly. I’m confident that I am not the only single mother who defines a “fun night” as one in which no one is yelling, “Mom, where is my…” anything, pajamas are mandatory, and there is no male ego to figure into the equation. You see, I’m divorced, which means I am legally single and socially classified as a member of one of the most desperate and needy groups of single women. According to a major stereotype regarding divorced women, every man that I encounter, I am instantly profiling as my potential new husband  (FYI, divorced women are also supposed to have much lower standards).

Yes, I am alone, “manless,” solo, and some people may think that I should be doing everything humanly possible to rectify my situation, especially since I’m damaged. Oops, I mean divorced. I should just slap on a discounted price tag and hurry up and get back out there, right? The only problem is that I don’t have the desperate urge to hook up with a guy to feel valuable. It’s true; I am divorced and NOT looking.  Imagine the audacity of me: a single, divorced mother of two, not prioritizing the need to sift through the slim pickings of mentally-sane, datable men to snatch up a husband, father for my children, or at least some eye-candy to make the cold nights a little more bearable. What could possibly be my real motivation for avoiding the dating scene? Am I hiding behind past insecurities, failures, and shame? Or am I just focused on some other priorities in my life right now?

In essence, am I better after my divorce or am I battling bitterness? I’m so glad that you asked.

Be Honest

The truth is that no amount of research, Scandal marathons or beauty shop talk can prepare you for the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual wreckage of a divorce. Marriage is a sacred and divine ordinance, which is why the demise of a marriage is just that: a death. And like any great tragedy, it brings along its own unique form of grief. My ex-husband was my blind date for senior prom. We actually ended up having such a wonderful time at prom that we decided to see if we could make a committed relationship work, despite the fact that we were both going away to two different colleges at the end of the summer. Amazingly, we managed to survive all the temptations of college, despite the long distance, and to remain faithful to our commitment. We truly and deeply loved each other. A few years later, we married and began a family together. He was the man who I was supposed to live out all my dreams with, dance at my children’s wedding with, and grow old with. We had so many plans. But the harsh reality of divorce is that when the marital relationship ends, every dream embedded in the womb of that marriage also shrivels up and dies. Thus, I have had to grieve for anniversaries that we will never have, the third child that he was supposed to give me this time next year, the honeymoon in Hawaii we were supposed to be saving to take that will now never happen, and the church that we were going to build together. I have had to pull out each dream one-by-one so that I could acknowledge my disappointment over what would never be, I have to discard the bitterness that wells up and then make peace with my current reality.

With painstaking patience, I have had to discover how to embrace my life’s story and move forward. And you know what? I have discovered something pretty amazing along the way. Even though my life is not at all what I expected it to be at this point, it’s also not falling apart anymore.  The kids are doing exceptionally well in school, I have a great new job in my career field, I am budgeting for my kids college fund on my own, I found someone to mow the lawn, I got the oil changed all by myself, and recently, I took a personal spa day just because it made me feel good.

Be Intentional

In my case, I am purposely avoiding fishing for a new relationship because I could care less what’s in the water right now. I’m simply not looking for a man to come into my life and pick up where my ex-husband left off. I’m focused on  strengthening my relationship with God, rebranding my PR business, writing my first book, exploring becoming a professional voiceover artist, teaching my son how to play basketball, and helping my daughter conquer first grade math. I am bold enough to have plans for my life that are bigger than whose last name I take on. I am mindfully and intentionally taking the time to cultivate a deep and meaningful relationship with myself during this transitional season in my life.  I am confident that taking the time to make sure I am emotionally and spiritually whole is really the healthiest thing I could ever do for my children and all the other people I take care of.

As a survivor of an emotionally abusive marriage, I could easily allow pain to merge itself into my present existence until I no longer existed without the pain. I could embrace the bitterness and rage from the years of private betrayals, constant belittling, irrational accusations, and emotional abandonment, but I have made the conscious decision to be better instead. I choose to see my former marriage as a class that I have completed that has left me with the gift of practical knowledge that I can apply in other areas of my life. My marriage taught me how to fight relentlessly for what’s important to me and what I believe in, how to love someone unconditionally without enabling their destructive behavior, how to never allow the way someone else treats me make me forget who I really am or act out of character, and how to depend on my faith to give me strength during the most difficult seasons in life. I thank God for the wisdom I learned from my marriage because those life experiences have made me the stronger, wiser, fearless warrior-woman and mother that I am today. My faith in God has allowed His sufficient grace to sustain me through the darkest of nights and to inspire me to rejoice in the morning.

Be Free

The bottom line is that hurt left unattended leads to bitterness, and bitterness is a cunning thief. It will steal your joy and then deceive you into believing that it was taken by someone else. Bitterness gives power to your past and handicaps your future. Currently, my sole priority is to do the hard work of self-evaluation and self-love to ensure that I maximize my full God-given potential in my life. Now does that mean that I want or plan to be alone for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! I look forward to falling in love again and spending my life with someone who is committed to me in every way and on every level. I know that God is more than able to provide me with the godly marriage that my heart desires. However, today I am content to simply adoring all of the positive loving relationships around me while I focus on deepening my love for God and my new liberated self.  I am so grateful for the gift of forgiveness, because when given away, it reciprocates the gift of freedom. It is because I possess this great freedom in my life that I am able to smile to myself when my ex-husband crosses my mind and to wish him well in all of his future endeavors. Bitterness would have me to believe that my best days are behind me. But because I have chosen to be better, I know that my future looks awfully bright. Don’t let bitterness be the hindrance that keeps you from pursuing your destiny. Life is too short to waste it being angry. I know you can’t change the bitterness of your past, but you can choose to go into your future much better. Keep moving forward!

Full article originally featured on Knot So Subtle Magazine.